I was bitten by a radioactive Jesus

(continued from 5: Leonard Prefers that his Hand be Unseen)

Leonard got me some endorsements to helped to pay my expenses. I received an advance of several thousand dollars for future appearances in advertisements for the Candy and Pills division of the One Huge Corporation That Owns Everything Corporation. The product, still only in a couple of test markets, was “Sacra-mints.” Their slogan: “Fresh breath and the Body of Christ all in one!” It seemed like an OK thing to be associated with, so on Leonard’s advice I took the deal. We were approached by the makers of “Sacra-instant,” a powered red wine product that made a surprisingly acceptable table wine out of ordinary tap water, but as our prior sponsor was about to initiate litigation against them for trademark infringement, we really couldn’t consider it, Leonard said.

He also helped me with public relations. People had taken to referring to me as “Jesus-man,” a name I found both disrespectful and just plain lame. I wanted them to use a cooler, moodier, edgier name like “Redeemer” or “The Nazarene.” Leonard made substantial efforts through his press contacts to promote a shift away from Jesus-man to “The Nazarene,” but it didn’t work. It was just too late. Once something like that is out there, there’s no reeling it back in.

So it was in a state still encumbered by the unfortunate appellation of “Jesus-man,” that I was sent by Leonard to the airshow at the Steve Austin Air Force Facility outside beautiful Burnett Oklahoma.

This Air Force Facility, recently downgraded from being a full-fledged Air Force Base, is named after one of the greatest test pilots this country has ever seen, who after losing three of his four limbs in a terrible crash was fitted with bionic limbs that were then state-of-the art, but primitive by today’s standards. Many people don’t even realize that Jack Nicholson has a bionic left arm, or that Al Gore’s body is almost entirely robotic as the result of a chili cook-off accident before his initial Senate race. Steve Austin did not have the advantages of today’s bionic technology, and so had to make do with crude appendages that made unpleasant, high-pitched, shuddering noises whenever he exerted himself in the service of his country. And the knowledge was just not there in those days to provide him with any kind of viable bionic genitalia, which made his run-in with Fembots decidedly disappointing, according to his amusing memoir Cut These Damned Things Off Me and Let Me Die.

The Facility is the home of the 83rd Sonic Boom Wing, whose work can be experienced throughout the region, and explains the embedded-wire-mesh safety glass used for all windows in the town of Burnett.

The town itself is quaint and folksy. Burnett is near the similarly quaint and folksy town of Yukon, the place where the famous Troyal Garth Brooks was raised. This fact is impossible to miss, due to the signs. The following is a listing of just a few of the signs I saw in Burnett:

• Garth Brooks Slept Here
• Garth Brooks Ate Here
• Garth Brooks Shook A Rock Out Of His Boot Here
• Garth Brooks Got Phone Change Here
• Garth Brooks Didn’t Eat Here But He Came In To Use The Bathroom On Two Separate Occasions

On the highways in the area there are sign such as:

• Garth Brooks Spit Out His Gum Here
• Garth Brooks Inadvertently Ran Over A Jackrabbit Here
• Garth Brooks Looked Out Of His Car Window And Thought About The Divine Nature Of Human Creativity Here

In Yukon itself the situation is much worse, with signs ranging from the unbelievably prosaic (Garth Brooks Breathed Here), through the embarrassing (Garth Brooks Masturbated Here), to the very unlikely (Garth Brooks Wrote The Magna Carta Here). It is impossible to determine the nature of any business in Yukon because all business signs have long since been covered by myriad Garth Brooks signs. The interiors of all homes and stores in Yukon are dark and stuffy because the Garth Brooks signs covering the entire area of all windows do not admit much sunlight or fresh air. The streets of the town become dangerously slippery after a rainfall, as the roadways themselves have been entirely covered by Garth Brooks signs in high-gloss enamel, hand-polished tropical hardwoods, aircraft-grad aluminum, and lacquered iron, copper, and bronze.

to be continued…